Humble

Some days my job is so humbling.

Wanted

I'm hanging out with my sister and brother in-law watching Wanted. I've always wished that I were a bad-ass. I see things like this, and while I don't relish the idea of killing other people for a living, I do really like the idea of the adventure, of the cause, of the bravery involved. I like the idea of everything having meaning, everyone having an intricate purpose. And the thing is... I feel like if we could see things as they really are, every day would be more like that then we actually think it is.

I'm not a bad-ass though... I have to cover my eyes every once in a while because I don't like seeing people get their teeth knocked out. =)

Eye Openers

"A girls heart should be so lost in God, that a guy needs to seek Him in order to find her."

Sometimes you wake up ( and I do mean literally as I haven't even got out of bed yet) and see something in the most unlikely place that opens your eyes, or reinforces a message that you've been hearing all around you.
I don't usually like catchy little phrases about God like this... I guess I can be a little snobby like that. Most often I feel like they don't speak to the realities I'm living with. That they cater more to how I felt when I was 17 and all hope. Scared out of my mind by the process of growing up, by seeing my friends change, feeling myself change, being aware of a new and alien sense of responsibility and an unknown future ahead of me, and clinging to God for all I was worth, NOT because I knew that he was what was best for me, but because I was terrified of everything else. Sometimes I really do wish for that time back. Even though I'd like to say that I was strong enough to stand by God for the right reasons during those times, I'm grateful to say that I stood by him at all, because it saved me from so much more pain and heartache than I might have had to bear and I've "grown up" and into rebellion since then and know what consequences come with resisting God. Anyway...

Since I've gotten older and found my feet and walked right away from God when I should have been walking beside him, the "realities" of life become painfully obvious... Actually I'm going to strike that... they aren't the realities, they're the hardships of life on earth... and catchy, sticky sweet, christian phrases, just don't seem to speak to those hardships. They don't usually seem to offer much comfort at all really when you feel like you're fighting for a battle for your life.

This particular little phrase popped up this morning when I was about to send my Mom pieces of Flair on Facebook and it dug right into my heart. Right into the very issues that I've been struggling with. Over the last several years I lost my heart and recently God rescued it back and gave me a promise that not only could he take care of it, that he had great plans for me and my heart, that if I would just cling to him the way I did when I was young and scared and love him first and most, that he could protect my heart and fill it. And that little phrase, however cheesey it might be, reminds me of what's important, and that I deserve a man who's willing to chase after God in order to get to me.

My theme song right now...

It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time to make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
And all I can do is surrender

(Chorus)
Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something Heavenly

Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Reevaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow Your will
Or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is You want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...

(Chorus)

Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This *is* something bigger than me
Larger than life something Heavenly
Something Heavenly

It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time *to* breathe in and let everything out

-Whatever You're Doing
Sactus Real

Trust

It's always been hard for me to trust.
I'm not sure at what point I got the idea that I had to be so guarded with my heart, when I started believing that good things just don't happen to me, and so I always have to be on the look out for pain, for disappointment, and for being let down. Why's it so hard to trust God with my heart and believe that he really does have a future planned for me?